--- "Get Smoke Signal - the choice of deadbeats everywhere."
May 16, 2011
Top Ten Top Ways to Make Baseball More Interesting
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May 14, 2011
Top Ten Rejected Stieg Larsson Novels
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October 5, 2010
Top Ten Odd Dog Names
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August 9, 2010
Top Ten signs the wedding isn't quite going as planned:
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August 2, 2010
Top Ten wedding gifts we're least likely to use:
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December 10, 2008
I recently had the privlege of seeing a "Chuck Norris" list. No doubt you've seen at
least one of them, these collections of increasingly improbable facts that are meant
to illustrate his supernatural toughness. Examples range from the bizarre ("he has
a third fist hidden in his beard") to the humorously absurd ("he can sneeze with his
eyes open"). But some entries are simply insufficient to indicate just how tough he
really is, and these are therefore omitted from such publically distributed lists.
Here are ten such examples:
Chuck Norris is so tough...
10. ...he goes through the express lane with more than 10 items.
9. ...nobody intimidates him into waiting for the beep.
8. ...he openly talks about Walker: Texas Ranger without fear of ridicule.
7. ...he laughs at "Keep Off The Grass" signs.
6. ...his shadow can beat up your shadow.
5. ...he isn't particularly concerned about yielding to pedestrians.
4. ...his web browser doesn't need a pop-up blocker.
3. ...he sees no need to adjust for daylight savings time.
2. ...unlike vampires, he can stand in direct sunlight without bursting into flames.
1. ...trick-or-treaters give him candy.
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June 19, 2008
Top ten ridiculous AC calls for service (all real)
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May 13, 2005
Star Wars lines that would be improved by inserting the word "pants"
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April 21, 2005
The Kenntucky Derby is fast approaching, a fact that I'm only aware of because of a radio commercial that I heard the other day.
Although I know next to nothing about horse races, I do recognize the name of a winner when I hear it. So as public service to
to my readers, I gleaned through the names of racehorses across the country, and found ten that I would strongly advise you
to avoid placing a bet on (to win, to place.... or even to show) if you should see one of them in a race. Alternatively, you could
consider betting your friends that the horse will come in last and watch their amazement when you win.
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March 12, 2005
While listening to UNC basketball games this season on WBT 1110 AM, I began to notice how the announcers are coerced into
squeezing all the sponsors they can into every available second. It's getting out of control. Some examples are: the Coca-Cola
Play of the game, the Bell South Long Distance 3-Pointer, the Toyota Keys to the Game, the Geico Starting Line-up, the Blue
Points Score Board, and the Alsco Uniform Report. That's right. This company actually pays to be mentioned when they reveal
what colors the teams are wearing. Yeah, like there's always been a lot of suspense there. Anyway, I couldn't help but wonder
what we might be hearing soon, and ten frightening possibilities occured to me.
9. "Tonight's Referees of the Game is brought to you by Alltel, making the correct call for 12 million people worldwide."
8. "While they're wiping sweat off the court, it's a good time for me to mention that, whether it's sweat or grease, Brawny can
handle your toughest stains. Brawny -- wiping the floor with the competition."
7. "Traveling called on #13. You know, Mick, sometimes it's okay to travel, and when you do, surf on over to Orbitz.com.
Orbitz - we're practically as good as Travelocity."
6. "Substitutions coming in for both teams: one for Carolina and two for State. During this 5 second lull, let me remind
you again that Wife Swap, ABC's dynamic new reality show, airs Wednesday nights at 10."
5. "The fans have come alive here at the Smith Center! ..... This tremendous crowd noise makes me think of the noise cancellation
headphones you can get from Bose. They can cut through... THEY CAN CUT THROUGH ANY AMOUNT OF NOISE, LETTING
YOU ENJOY YOUR FAVORITE MUSIC!"
4. "Sheldon Williams rejected by May! What a play! By the way, that was brought to you by Cupid.com. If you're
tired of the women rejecting you, give Cupid.com a try. We'll never reject you -- or your money."
3. "That shot fell short by at least 5 feet! Woody, I think it's safe to say that will be our Continental Airlines Air Ball of the night.
For your next trip, chose Continental and you, too, will hit nothing but air."
2. "Offensive foul called on #4. When you find yourself charging something, remember to pull Mastercard out of your wallet.
Mastercard -- the payments are endless."
1. "That’s going to be his fifth Cialis Layup of the night.”
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Feb. 26, 2005
Submitted by a friend who works at one of those super pet stores that bathes and grooms dogs.
Top Ten Frustrating Customer Conversations:
9.
Customer: I need to make an appointment to groom and bathe a dog.
Employee: Okay, for what day?
Customer: Ummmmm... let me check with the owner and call you back.
8.
Customer: I want some length taken off my dog's hair, but not completely shaved.
Employee: Do you want half the length to come off?
Customer: I don't know.... Just make her look cute.
7.
Employee: Do you want us to brush your dog's teeth?
Customer: A dog's teeth can be brushed?!
Employee: Yes.
Customer: Oh. No that's okay. We do that at home.
6.
Customer: Make sure that it's one of the groomers that does my dog.
Employee: It will be.
Customer: Okay, just make sure it's a groomer.
Employee: It will be.
Customer: I just want to be clear. Will a groomer be doing my dog?
Employee: .....
5.
Customer: I want you to trim my dog's nails.
Employee: We always do nails. It's part of being bathed.
Customer: Okay, but just make sure you do my dog's nails.
4.
Customer: Give my dog the same cut you did last time.
(Four hours later)
Customer: I didn't want that cut!
Employee: I'm sorry, but it's the same cut we gave him the last time.
Customer: But I didn't want that.
Employee: That's the cut you had requested.
Customer: Are you calling me a liar?
3.
Customer: I'd like to get my dog bathed this morning.
Employee: We're booked up for this morning, but we have openings for tomorrow.
Customer: So.... you don't have anything available this morning then?
2.
Employee: Do you chemically treat your dog for fleas and ticks?
Customer: I give her heartworm pills!
Employee: No, that's not.... (Sighs and writes down "No")
1.
Customer: Under sedation? What does that mean?
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June 4, 2003
Top Ten Judge Judy Litigant Occupations I'd Like To See:
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May 5, 2002
Top Ten Proposed Bill Clinton TV Shows:
10. Title: Interns Do the Darndest Things!
Network: The Spice Channel
Premise: One of the most contraversial and certainly the most provocative of Clinton's choices.
Each week hidden cameras and mikes will capture Clinton using all of his infamous
persuasive power to lure unsuspecting young interns into all sorts of misadventures.
At the end of each episode, Clinton will explain to the viewing audience how what they
just saw didn't "technically" really happen. To be filmed on location at his Harlem office.
9. Title: About Face
Network: Various
Premise: Not really a show, but more of an infommercial in which Clinton introduces his new
instructional book of the same name. Let Clinton show you how that right facial
expression can give you the plausible deniability that's so important in today's
fast-paced world. Learn how a pouty expression and bitten lower lip can mean all the
difference in your marriage and business life. All proceeds to go to the "William
Jefferson Clinton Library Fund".
8. Title: The "Clinton Monument" Proposition
Network: CBS
Premise: This already-scrapped show, which was slated to take Letterman's spot if he went to ABC,
would have featured a legacy-desperate Clinton begging the American people each week for
a monument to be erected in his honor.
7. Title: Blow Hard With a Vengeance
Network: MTV
Premise: Yes, it's music time and the first "black President" will display a weekly showcase of
his saxophone repertoire. All aspects of sax. playing will be highlighted, from
fingering techniques, to proper mouth placement, to practical applications such as
"How anyone can appear to be 'cool' just by learning the saxophone".
6. Title: Touched By Some Angels
Network: Inspirational Network
Premise: Law suits have already been filed by the creators of the more well-known drama series of
a simliar name, but that hasn't discouraged Clinton, who's turned televangelist! Each week,
the Reverend Clinton will heal the sick and pass along audience members' confessions
(the more nefarious the better) to "his god", who evidently doesn't seem to have a problem
with most sexual sins. A collection will be taken up each week for the "William Jefferson
Clinton Library Fund".
5. Title: C.H.I.P.s
Network: FOX
Presmise: Standing for Clinton's Hour Is Passed, this latest entry into reality TV will feature a
drunken, teary-eyed and disgruntled Clinton waxing morose over the fact that he can't seem
to cope with life outside the limelight. Filmed on location in an undisclosed low-lit
basement. Each week a new episode (we think).
4. Title: I feel Your Stain
Network: Game Show Network
Premise: Part game show, part talk show, this early contender for a Clinton series revolves
around human beings' ability to feel. Each week, Clinton will challenge blindfolded female
contestants to guess what the various stains on his pants are by their sense of touch
alone. At the end of each show is a segment where all the participants gather in a roundtable
meeting to discuss their feelings. Sponsored by Cheer with Colorguard.
3. Title: Pardon Me!
Network: ABC
Premise: Although crafted as a talk show, Pardon will more closely resemble a phone-in pledge drive.
Clinton will invite guilt-ridden viewers to call in and confess whatever deeds they may have
commited and to pledge their donation for the "William Jefferson Clinton Library Fund".
In between calls, various authors will chat with Clinton and plug their books in exchange
for further donations to the Library. At the end of each show, Clinton will announce which
callers he will forgive, based upon the amount of the donations they pledged.
2. Title: Illegal Alien Nation
Network: CNN
Premise: Heavily inspired by the TV show COPS, this fast-moving show will give the viewer an
amazing glimpse into the world of illegal-immigrate deportation. Follow Clinton
and his machine gun-toting crew as they make middle-of-the-night raids into homes
suspecting of harboring foreign fugutives. In one episode, the team swarms a residence
that was found to be hiding an 89 year old Cuban refugee. Watch as an exasperated Clinton
observes that, while they didn't get to take the fugitive into custody due to his sudden
fatal heart attack, "our efforts here tonight will save the US taxpayers money, nonetheless."
1. Title: Now We're Cooking!
Network: Food Network
Premise: For the pizza lover in all of us, this call-in show will have Clinton discussing the
qualities of various toppings and will throughout the course of each show demonstrate
proper cooking techniques. Featured prominently in each show will be the call-in segment
in which Clinton will answer questions on such fascinating topics as "Delivery or Dijorno?
Who can tell?" and "Mastering five important baking techniques that maximize your pizza
eating pleasure." In the pilot episode, Clinton regales the TV audience with tales of his
pizza eating adventures.
October 30, 2000
This Top Ten List brought to you by Smoke Signal Phone Services.
--- "Get Smoke Signal - the choice of deadbeats everywhere."
Top Ten mixed-together Hotmail SPAM subject lines:
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July 8, 2000
Top ten phrases that have never been said to or about me, Miggy, the Thief
Feel free to return to the fun any time you wish.